okay, okay ...

so i have been awol for a little while. life has been a bit of a mess lately. most recently, i missed two days of work this week due to a helluva sinus infection. i get them about twice a year, and i was due. so i spent three straight days in my bathrobe on the couch staring listlessly while making shameful attempts to breathe through my nose. ugh. and i developed two "blemishes" (translation "zits" for all you guys who don't understand girl talk) yesterday, and that will never make a girl happy.

but despite health issues, i have just been in a bit of a funk - ergo, my lack of writing. it's sadness, if you will ... being blue, feeling down. i think i am in a season of being acutely aware that i am not in heaven. someone once quoted me john donne - "eden runs through our veins." i think about that statement often; it makes a whole lot of sense to me. for as long as i can remember, i have felt as though life just isn't right. from global and national social causes to specific relationships to internal struggles, i have always known there was something off, just off, about our reality. at times i can evade this truth - i watch entertaining television or movies, i laugh with my husband, i play with my dogs, i sing to the top of my lungs - but other times it covers me like a blanket, soft at first, then weighty and wet and smothering. it clings to me like my own skin and refuses relief. it's all over me as i write.

i was watching oprah the other day ... not something that i would normally say, but as i explained before i was on the couch. her cameras went into a high school and taped what they called "challenge day" where 64 teens were confronted and challenged to break down barriers based on race, gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, appearance, religion, and more. they were encouraged to talk to other teens who were different than them, first through silly icebreakers and then through small groups. they were encouraged to be honest and real - something difficult for adults to do. they were told to finish this statement: "if you really knew me, you would know ..." they were able to tell each other their deepest hurts, their honest feelings, and they were even able to see that they were all more alike than they were different, sparking confessions, repentance, and forgiveness between them. it was amazing to watch. what was even more astounding, though, is that when i thought about how i would finish that sentence, i wasn't sure that anyone who knows me would expect to hear what i have to say. i think that most of the people in my life would be surprised, even shocked at some of my answers. according to ford, bold means taking risks, but according to God, bold means being vulnerable. so here goes ...

if you really knew me, you would know that i am sad a lot.
if you really knew me, you would know that i hide most of my true feelings.
if you really knew me, you would know that my marriage is not always happy.
if you really knew me, you would know that i am scared of what people think of me.
if you really knew me, you would know that i am politically minded.
if you really knew me, you would know that i am not as tough as i appear to be.
if you really knew me, you would know that i enjoy acting more than singing.
if you really knew me, you would know that i love my friends more than i can express to them.
if you really knew me, you would know how much i want to serve God.

i am sure the list could go on. these were on the forefront.

grace and peace to whomever is reading this wherever you are ...
lindsey